Decisions

Its now been over a month of me dating the same guy who on paper is a great match for me, but to me dating is more than seeing each other once a week and all we do is watch a movie at one of our homes each time.  What happened to giddy fun dating?

The person I am dating should wanna take the time to plan things for us to do and vice versa, but neither one of us has taken that time and I have realized I don't want to take that time and invest it in him.  The past few weeks has shown me that over the past six months I have dated more men than I had dated by the age of 29.  I have been so focused on just the idea of being in a committed relationship due to my age and thinking that dating will help me lose other feelings I am caring.  Such a false ideology.... Dating why still madly in love with someone else messes you  up even more and creates a greater loneliness.  

I have had the past few days off and really used that time to just refocus on what I truly want, which has led to two decisions... 1). Stop dating for a while and let go of my daily struggle 2) If I am not with someone by my 33rd birthday I will start the process of insemination and take on the challenge of raising a child on my own.

I was asked a few days ago what I want for Christmas this year and I said nothing because I have everything I need, but was thinking to myself the two things I want have all to do with Gods planning...Jeremiah 29:11

Balance of Loneliness and Trust

The holiday season is my favorite time of year, going through it single I feel turns you into a jaded person almost.  It's been five years since I have been in a committed relationship with someone during this season, which is a daily struggle for me.  Plus, when all your friends are married with kids it adds to your loneliness.  So are there any other single 30+ women feel the same way?  Am I alone in thinking that I thought when I was younger I would be married by now with at least one baby?

This past month I decided to join one more online dating sight that I had heard of... POF even with my past lingering in my current life.  However, this brings up my biggest struggle I feel I battle daily anymore which is loneliness and how to learn to trust a new guy with out trying to solve that emptiness quickly through intimacy.    I have always been that gal when I have a bad day I just want to be comforted by the person I care for ,but with comfort comes trust for me since I am very protective on letting men into the intimate side of my life.  I have actually meet what seems to be a good guy who fits everything I am looking for, but yet I don't always feel at ease around him, which for me is hard to not have right away because I feel if he is one for me it should be an instant
connection.  The two men I have truly loved in my 32 years was an instant trust and connection
 the moment I meet them so of course I have this mind set I should always have that or it's not right.

 Am I truly setting myself up for failure and not giving this gut a fair chance?

Power of Love

In the past three months I have learned a lot about myself as well as how strong emotions can turn you into someone your not.

Once G moved in I didn't really know how it would pan out because I kept telling myself I was over him, but I was proven wrong.  The first two weeks were nothing because he really wasn't around, but that changed eventually.  I could not understand whybhe moved in if he wasnt really staying atvghe house so i became that girl who kept asking where he had been, not someone i am.  Then, One day I was honest with him and told him my emotions are still present and took it so far as to ask him to not bring any new girls over for a while because I would not be able to handle it it.  Yes, that's right I told a grown man that he needs to put a lid on his needs due to my emotions, well G is a man who does not like to be told what he can't do so he was pissed after that, but I had no clue.  The moments he had been at the house the first month it was hard to not just want to hug him or even crawl into bed with him and it felt that the nights he made it home were rough days I were having due to work or something else.  A month after being in the house, there was a day I was off and ran into my brother and his family who I hadn't seen in 11 years due to a big blowout.  That day was the first time ever I saw my niece and nephew and remind you they have no knowledge of me, I was broken that day.  I was driving home that night and just started crying uncontrollably and once I turned onto my street I saw G's car which it was a Wednesday night and he had never been home on a Wednesday yet.  I sat in my car for a good ten minutes trying to pull myself together because I am stubborn gal who does not like to show emotion.  G is the only friend in my life that knows the relationship I had with my brother before our big blowout since he grew up with us.  I got settled in at home and was in the kitchen cleaning up when he came out the great room and that's were I lost it again, but G just sat on the couch when all I needed was a hug.  The next few months between us were rough because he did bring a girl over one night and I became so sick just thinking of him being sexual with another one and me being me confronted him about it.  This of course turned into an argument and the only thing I heard out of the whole thing is that he got over me in two weeks after moving in, I was angry.  However, thoughout the past three months I continue to fold his laundry, cook him dinner, clean up after him, offer to take care of him when he is sick, bring food home for dinner and support him at one of his football games.  Yes, I know your thinking how much more of an idiot can I be , trust me talk to my friends who think I am a fool for everything I have done or him.

All my friends are married at this point and any time we talk about task around the house their husbands don't do I always said I would never put up with that and never understood why they do, but after the past few weeks I get now.  The pas two weeks have been very telling for me and where I stand.  G had been home more than ever and I had cooked him dinner a few nights plus once again folded his laundry.  On Saturday night late he blew out his transmission and for someone reason he texted me to tell me and of course I was ready to go pick him up if that's what he was texting me about, but his family picked him.  The next morning I asked him if he needed anything and he said no and would be just hanging at his moms until the car gets fixed.  Noon came that day and he texted me to tell me he was gonna bring company to the house a girl of course.  I got home and went for a long run right away in hopes that in would escape hearing anything, well I got back and they were still in his room and I started to hear them.  I ended up just sitting on my patio in tears, still to this day trying to understand why I am not enough for him.  Yes, I was hurt but not angry because I know he is a man with needs.  Wednesday comes and I find myself dropping cupcakes he left at home off at his school and of course I asked if he needed anything from the house.  He wanted more workout cloths which meant I had to go into his room, which was a big mistake.  G had left out bed restraints from when he had sex with the last girl, I was sick again and emotional but had to pull myself together.  Here I am sitting in his classroom and no clue why when all is going through my mind is I am truly an idiot who allows this man to depend on me as we'll as why did he never use those restraints with. Me.  I left his class sooner than planned because emotional I couldn't take it.

Within minutes after leaving he asked me through text what was the problem and I told him.  I said the problem is I love you  which means as long as you live with me I will continue to cook, clean, fold laundry, support your coaching and do whatever I can for you!  His response, I am afraid I will disappoint you, what does that mean?  Does that mean you still have feelings?
No relationship is 100% perfect, but one thing I have learned is if 99% of it is that one percent you work on it together. G does not realize that that one percent I will figure out and I want it as much as he needs it. I know when I truly love someone I am intense and hard to love back, but God Damit I am fucking amazing. He has become my best friend over this past year and I am scared to death at this point to lose him in my life.
G

Small World or Serendipty

I actually wrote this post a few days ago but after reading it, felt it was me going through basic motions and not really confronting emotions.

Since I can remember I have always been a believer in Serendipty/Fate.  I feel we are giving choices in life but fate sometimes plays a role.  I am also that girl who has always wanted a love story that deals with Serendipty.... This is where G falls into my life.

Last year in March a friend I call a sister, who I meet in college posted a comment on Facebook and of course I commented on it as well as an accauntince of hers from high school.  This accauntince (G) happen to be a guy I went to grade school and junior high with, hello fate!  That same day I received a message from G asking if I was the little girl he went to grade school with and the next year of my life began that moment.  We spent about a week talking through text messages and finally decided to grab a drink together.  For the first time in years I was nervous in meeting someone, I am sure the fact that we hadn't seen each other since we were 13.  I will remind you I was an ugly 13 year old girl, braces, curly hair , no curves and a scrawny tomboy, were he was a tall ripped wrestler with a cute booty.  Almost twenty years later.... I feel I have grown into a pretty good looking woman with curves and he clearly is still a good looking guy still with a cute booty..  After that night, we continued to keep in touch and continued to hang out but just as friends.  Throughout the next few months it was clear we had a lot in common and communication was easy.  I am girl who loves sports and its rare these days to find a guy who can talk sports.  A couple months later, we meet up for dinner and as he walked me back to my car he kissed me, which made me feel like I was in high school again. It had been four years since I felt that with another man. We kept dating and things were always easy, nothing felt like it was pressure and I kept falling a little more each time we hung out.  By November he was in full grind mode with coaching wrestling, which left little time to hang out, but that never bothered me.  After four months of dating G became the third guy I had ever been with sexually by the age of 31, which means for me I was at the point were he had all my trust.  However, it also meant that my emotions/feelings were elevated to another level, which I knew he wasn't ready for so at this point we were still just dating and not together as a couple.  I will be the first to admit that my bedroom variety is on the side of boring due to lack of experience, but was always hoping with G that for once that would change. At the time, I was still ok with that, but wrestling was over in March of 2012 and we had been dating for over a year at that point and I wanted nothing more than to be just his.  I was so scared to bring up the commitment conversation with him because he was once married, which has caused him to have a lot of hesitation with committing again.  I finally got the nerve and what I feared the most was he didn't want what I wanted and it was all based off him not supporting my work schedule.  I will remind you on a bad week I  maybe work 45 hours but usually 40.  Also, I just spent three months supporting his wrestling schedule which were at least 12 hour days and usually tournaments on the weekends.  When you care for someone, you support them in what they adore and believe in, at least that's who I am.  After that night I was angry and pulled away, but that didn't last long.  My birthday came in April and he wanted to take me to dinner and talk things through, so we meet for dinner.  We went through the whole dinner avoiding the white elephant in the room until the end.  G had asked me how does he know I am gonna make time for him, I reminded him how supportive I hade been and then said I should not have to sit here and plead to you why you should be with me.  Summer was beginning and we hadn't seen much or talked to each other since that night in April.  We would hang out here and there, which shame on me for letting sex occur each time.  The end of July we hung out one night, but was cut short because of a medical issue with his mom.  As we said goodbye , G had hugged and kissed me like he never had before and me being a girl with emotions wanted to thrive off that.   The second week of August came and he found out he was going to have to move out of his place ASAP.  At this point, in my eyes we were done dating even though my feelings were still stronger than ever, but your gonna learn I always put myself on the back burner  to help someone in need especially someone I adore.  I offered for G to stay in my guest room until he found a place because I knew he started his school year in a couple weeks and moving and finding a place he liked would be too much.  He turned down my offer,  which I was so releaved.  However, two weeks later he moved into my guest room and I now live with a man I love but can't act on it......

Online Dating

Friends from day one told me to try online dating and still are trying to convince me of it and yes I have tried a few sites but clearly nothing has come of it except some hilarious moments and me thinking who the fuck are you.  Lets run through s series of guys I have meet from online

Man w/ children ( not in their lives):  He makes at least $60k a year and drives a brand new only 50 made corvette but his mother is still raising his 10 year old son who lives in another state.  Who also claims to love me after two months and doesn't understand how his son has anything to do with him and I getting married.

Man w/Ex Baggage:  This guy claims he wants an honest woman, but yet still wants to date around for a while ok I give him the benefit of the doubt but that means I to will date around.  However, the moment i am honest with him about how dating around is going for me even though I just wanted to be with him he flips out and blames me for hurting him.  WOW was my response.

Sexual Men:  Notice I said men on this one because I have come across a number of these type who if my hands were not all over them or if i hadnt ripped their cloths off  by four dates then I was somehow a cold bitch.

Missing an Important Detail Man:  This man was the first white man I had given a chance in 5 years and we spent a good two weeks talking over the phone before meeting.  Our first meeting was just dinner so I meet him at the restaurant.  I walked out of my car and there he was standing with a cane and what was clearly a handicap that was not revealed to me.  In my books he just lied to me and if you know me that is the one thing that will kill any relationship with me.  I felt like shit after the date, but he didn't get a call back.

Sickened Email Men:  One of the newest things is receiving emails from men who tell me I make them sick due to the fact I date black men.  One, yep that makes you an amazing catch and two... Didn't they get the message once you go black you never go back :). Maybe they should try it!

I did stop online dating March 2011, due to the magic of Facebook.......

After CT

I had never been hurt by a man in my 29 years until CT and it lingered for a year due to a bad decision he made in his career that had nothing to do with me but its amazing how angry one can get when emotions are involved.  The choice of actions CT choose to take part in put him in the news all over Texas and at the time one of my close friends lived 30 minutes away from him so just imagine finding out through a friend.  I can remember that night so vivid, was with my sister and nephew at zoo lights which is a holiday lights at the Phoenix.  Tara had called to confirm that it was CT she was watching in the news and at that point all i could hear was silence as I started to just cry.  In that moment I questioned ever decision I made with this man who I trusted with, with something that was beyond valuable.  Anger is an evil world and after that moment I lived in that world up until a little over a year ago.  I attempted to date while angry as well as all walls up with no chance of me trusting anyone.  I truly can say I turned into a cold women who went through the motions of dating, but no investment.  I even slept with one of those guys I dated for a few months, which I don't regret because I have no regrets in life but ashamed at myself for loosing who I am due to anger.  I was never meant to ride the roller coaster of dating because it turned myself esteem into non existent.  These men were telling me I was a cold person due to the fact I was not jumping their bones after four dates or they would choose a younger girl than me in the end.  Sorry guys that I respect myself and can control myself to not screw every guy that comes my way, I love myself too much for that game.

So at this point I am 31, about 99% of my friends are married and my work environment is not the place to meet my type of man so then where do I turn to meet men.....online of course and what a trip.

Grateful For CT

It was homecoming weekend for my college and plans were in place for friends to come up for the weekend to enjoy the festivities.  Orginally our plans were to just go to the game Saturday and then out for the night at the bars.  I have never been a big bar person but it was homecoming so why not go out with the girls. However, they wanted to go out Friday night as well and I said why not.  Flagstaff is a small town so the bars are never packed one and two they never are filled with the men that I am attracted to except for that Friday.  We walked into Colin's and immediately I was drown to the group of men CT was with and went directly to them, which once again I have never been that forward.  I asked who was gonna buy me a drink and next thing I new CT and I had exchanged numbers by the end of the night and hung out the rest of the weekend.  I have no skills in trusting people and especially men but with him he had my trust that first night.  CT was very attentive man who provided the little things in life I have always wanted from someone I was dating which made me feel safe anytime I was around him.  We had been dating for two months and it was a typical day were we both had work but dinner plans at the house for the night.  He surprised me earlier that day at work with stopping by to just say hi and finally that night when we were relaxing at the house before dinner he started to open up to me about his past and that's when I knew he would be the one after 29 years of waiting.  The rest of the night went by so fast and he had me that night with no doubts to questions. However, three weeks later things got to intense between us and I somehow became a crazy girl due to some circumstances that occurred between us.  Years have gone by and we have stayed connected as friends and I would not have it any other way even though I know my friends around me think I am crazy for still having him in my life.  He showed me what love and trust for me looks like when it comes to the relationships.

CT. You will never understand how grateful I am for that.

The Journey

I figured I would first talk about my journey of dating and what has lead me to where I am today.  Through out high school as well as college I was just not a big dater or into relationships for that matter.  I had one boyfriend in high school and then two in college so to say I was beyond in experienced going into my early twenties was an understatement.  It also felt that the guys I dated were all still trying to figure out themselves which I didn't care for because at the time I was 100% confident on who I thought I was and what I wanted, man I was a fool then.  I made the choice at the age of 16 to not have sex until I was married which at the very much fit me and my beliefs and to be honest never was a battle for me and the men I dated never walked away because of it.  So at the age of 23 I had been out of college for a few years and finally had a little more dating experience but at this point still had only been in one relationship that lasted a year.....can we say commitment phobe, which if you knew me then you would have never guessed it.  At the age of 23 I would theman I would be with for the next 5 years.  He knew my thoughts on sex right away and was good with it.  I was what I though head over heals in love within six months but lets not kid ourselves I still knew nothing about love at that point but two years into the relationship I finally started to realize what I was looking for and he was not it, but like a lot of woman I settled for at least three more years with him.  Over those next three years it caused some strain on my relationship with my parents and I became someone else.  In that last year I found myself almost cheating on him, which was my wake up call and ended it a month later and yes in those five years sexually that man got pretty much nothing, yes I know crazy!  The breakup was nothing emotional for me since I stopped caring after 2 years so I started dating right away at the age of 28 and holly crap it was not the same as when I was 23.  Between the age of 28 and almost thirty I had been on a number of dates and really learned what I was looking for in a partner and at some point had changed my views on sex and waiting until marriage but still had not made that leap yet with anyone.

  A key note about me is that I have never really been able to trust people into my life and never have been much to express a lot of emotion or tell even friends my struggles in life, my core friends now are the people I trust more than anyone now though.

So 29 and yes still a virgin but near the end of my 29 years I meet someone who changed that and opened my eyes to what love really felt like........