Insecurities

It's been a few months since my last blog, which is not the smartest idea.  This is my medium to vent and let my emotions/thoughts of my life journey out.  I have the most amazing friends, but at the  same time not one of them understands what I am going through career wise or relationship wise.  They are all married and have husbands to come home to on bad days and get to experience new life adventures everyday.  Also, majority of them have the cutest little ones that I get to enjoy but holding them, seeing then all over Facebook breaks me down emotionally.  I wanna be able to watch the father of my children nurse them when they are sick, teach them how to throw a football or just tucking them into bed.  Never thought it would be so hard  for a man to want to love me back no matter what comes our way in life.  When you spend over 5 plus years dating, but yet not one of those guys does anything to be with just me and be proud to be mine, insecurities build and tear a woman down.  I know I am not perfect but seriously I am beyond broken at this point.

Career wise is great and maybe that is part of my faults.  I always have it to fall back on but it does not feel that need or want to have that ultimate relationship.  The past month I have a number of items put on my plate, which is great for the aspect of me pushing to become a DM, but yet it has taken a toll on me and burnt out come this week, which also means extremely emotional.

The other great part of the past few weeks is I was able to pay off all my debt excluding my house, which means I can start planning and saving for my own business.  The plan is to continue to learn the business side over the next 7 years and build my ultimate business plan and open my own cafe.  This feeling is beyond exciting and cannot wait to see how that journey turns out.

However, my career means nothing to me in the end if I can't share it with the love of my life and kids.  When you don't have the greatest relationship with your mother growing up it makes you want to be that mom that finds that balance with your kids, watch them learn, teach them and in the end be their mom they know they can come to about life's obstacles.  An empty house breaks a person and builds on those insecurities, I just don't want an empty house anymore!

Since I can remember as a kid I was raised with a pathological liar.... My mom.  She would always exaggerate situations or make conversations events up.  The sad thing she has no clue that she does this even until this day.  As I grew up its what caused my moms and I relationship to be beyond unhealthy.  It built so much anger in me as well As lack of trust for her.  The sader thing is that my brother followed her foot steps while he was in high school and pretty much would lie about everything.  My brother was my best friend but all those lies tore my family part and is still torn until this day.  I have given up on my mom as far as trying to get her to realize she does it and have learned to love her for her, but my brother is a whole other story.  However, this is we're my trust issues in relationships comes from and have realized today how much it has screwed me up.

John... The guy that seemed to good to be true and for the first time in a while I felt a walls down connection and I have been still dating up until today.  It's been four months, but a conversation we had last week left me doubting some things about him no top of him stating he travels each week almost.  My big hang up was me having this gut feeling that he is married so I started doing some research online and of course came across some pictures so I just flat out asked him in person this past Sunday, which he denied so I went into detail what lying does to me.  I then said married men who cheat are cowards and he responded so quick with men who cheat are not happy, which left me still with doubts.  Tshirt morning I couldn't shake Sundays conversation so I did some more digging because I still didn't have 100% proff until today when I came across another pic and called him out with the pictures and the only thing he was worried about was where did I get the pictures.  Yep you guessed it he still never admitted but did a great job of making me feel like I was the one in the wrong.

No woman deserves to be cheated on as well as the person he cheats on with.  Tonight I am sicken to my stomach and officially done with online dating, which scares the shit out of me because I have no faith right now in my future for that one relationship I want so bad, that trust and that connection.  Also, feeling like everything is wrong with me and don't get why the past 5 years not one man has wanted to be with me and just me.  Yes, I am not perfect and have some crazy moments but I have so much to offer and have put a lot of me into some guys and not one has wanted to put themself into me.

Broken

Turned 33 today and so grateful for everything I have in life....supportive parents, great friends , career i adore and my own home I adore.  However, realizing how broken I am on one level and when the people in your life have no idea what your going though or how you are feeling it breaks a person.  People can give advice and I am grateful for that advice, but it doesn't change how I feel inside.

It's been over 5 years and in those 5 years I have truly wanted to be with two men and both did not want that back, but sure as heck still wanted sex.  I know deep down how fucking amazing I am in every way, but when you give and open up your world to someone and they reject it you question every inch of you as an individual.  Dating in your 30s, is not fun and for a woman who does not trust  explains why I am so tied to my career.  My career is beyond important but the most important job I want in life is to be a wife and an amazing mother. Out of all my friends...one truly understands what I am going through because she did get married in her 30s and had her little girl at 34.  Thankful for the time I got with her today because she gives me so much hope!

I will admit I still go back on a regular basis to someone in my life because through everything I still trust him and I know he cares.  Judge me all you want because I know I would but once you can understand what I struggle with on a daily basis and how broken I am then just be there to listen.

I am officially a broken woman who just wants to feel the breath on my neck of the man I love, his touch when we are holding hands, my child growing inside of me and my husbands warm hands feeling that big belly.

Perfect Man For Me

The first relationship we our witnessed too is our parents, which can help or hurt.  Personally for me it did both.  Growing up my parents did not have a healthy loving relationship.  I remember a lot of yelling and verbal abuse occurring on both ends and even things thrown.  I would run to my brothers room and he did what any big brother would do and that was distract me laughter.  I knew as a kid that what my parents had was not what I was gonna want for my relationship as an adult.  The one positive thing I learned from my parents though is no matter how rough things get you just don't walk away from each other or give up.  They have been married now for 37 years and love each more now than when I was a child.

I have been blessed in life to be witness to some amazing relationships as well that have really molded to me to know who the perfect man is to me.  I was around one of those couples most of yesterday which got me thinking after she said something to him so this is my perfect male for me....

Family is important, loves this career/job, always setting new goals to conquer and challenges himself everyday, laid back, knows how to laugh at himself, supportive in all things I do, takes care of his body and encourages me to do the same, appreciates a career woman and isn't intimidated by me, wants children, makes me laugh, volunteers and wants to make a difference especially in kids lives, can cook and does so ever so often, looks at me and just knows I needs a hug, always kisses me goodnight, sleeps in with me, stays in bed all day with me ever so often , loves sports especially football, drives me crazy just by the tip of his finger tips, loves traveling, kinky in the bedroom, patient especially with,  wants kids, creates a supportive home with me for our kids, feels blessed to wake up every morning to someone who sees the world similar as I do, understands a single flower speaks volumes over a dozen if its the right one, is always brutally honest with me, doesn't put up walls when exposing emotions and feelings, says what he is thinking, does anything and everything to be with me, is proud to call me his amd loves showing me off to bis friends The list goes on but
you get it....

Traveling

Just got back from a four day vacation in southern Cali, which is always a relaxing time. One of my best friends lives out there so it's always a good time with new memories and new adventures.

However, it's been over 5 years since I have traveled with someone I was with. Traveling is one of my favorite hobbies and naturally I miss doing it with someone. I feel like you learn a lot about someone when traveling with them. Traveling is a time to relax and just enjoy the time and adventures you get into. I miss those little moments sleeping in and walking down stairs at bed and breakfast to enjoy a delicious breakfast. Learning how your partner reacts when something goes wrong or the weather is not what you planned or better yet you get lost. Eating at local whole in the wall or witnessing breathtaking views or sites.

Ready for these new adventures and playing with my partner, which to me is a key element in a relationship.

Moving On

A week ago I asked a few friends, when do you give up and walk away?  My answer to my own question was right in front of me, if I even have to ask then its time to walk away.  However, I have to keep telling myself it's not about giving up but about learning from the past and moving on to what I truly deserve.  Yes, the act is still emotional for me but not as emotional as continuing to give to a person who continues to point out what I don't do or give anything back to me.

Moving on includes new roles at work, renovating parts of my house, traveling, learning new things, dating the right people  and focusing on building the healthiest body/mind I have ever had.

New roles at work:  I am one of 12 managers in the company that has been put on a team titled OnWard Council , our purpose is to elevate the business on all levels (business, community, technology & partners) and trouble shoot and solve obstacles.  This opportunity is allowing me to work with our senior leadership team in Seattle, which is where I want to end up in 5 or less years.

Renovating:  finally having my backyard Redone so that I can entertain out there, crash has a safer place to play and I can start growing a garden for my own produce.  Beyond excited, plus gonna finish my guest room by April and other small details.

Traveling: Due to my new role at work I get an extra week of vacation so I am gonna take advantage.  I have never been oversees so that is my next adventure to save for, plus heading to Cali in a few weeks to see one of my best friends who has become a strong anchor for in life.

Learning:  Years ago I tried to teach myself guitar but gave up so gonna attempt again, plus gonna teach myself Italian,  because of my culture.

Dating:  This word terrifies me because it truly is a scary world out there as you have learned from previous posts.  However, you have to face fears and learn to trust again so I have already started a new attempt.  I have been on two dates so far with the same guy who seems too good to be true and I haven't felt this way since Chris, which has been almost 4 years.  This guy is career focused like me, volunteers like me, takes care of his body, continues to set new goals to reach in his career, opens my door and compliments me , so will keep you all posted on the journey this adventure takes me on.

Health/Mind:  Running has become a love for me and gonna stick to being more consistent with my weekly runs as well as extend them each month for longer distance.  I am also gonna start incorporating weight lifting again which I haven't done since my softball conditioning days, so bring on the muscle.

I would like to add some more usefully knowledges tips to my blog, one will be cooking recipes suited to couple servings.  Would love to hear what everyone else's would like to see own my blog.

Questions

Life will always be filled with questions... Ones that make you think, ones to challenge you, ones to make you laugh, and ones that drive you crazy or even pissy.  Also, we live in a world that people forget to think before they ask certain questions without intent to harm.

Seriously, this week I was asked the same question by at least a handful of people and the one question that puts my insecurities in place.  "Why aren't you married Kelly "?  If I knew the answer to that question then maybe I would be married don't ya think?  I want to be married once so if that means I am single until I am 35 then I am good with that.

Getting married/commitment means to me supporting my other half anything that makes him smile, never going to bed angry, play like kids, challenge each other daily, planned surprises, meeting each other needs in all realm of life, never giving up even if it means a few months of a rough patch , staying in bed all day, weekly date nights....my list goes on and I refuse to lower my standards, which people keep telling me I need to do.  This is the one area of life that I am greedy.

***Hate That I Love You *** - Rhianna

It's been almost a month since my last post, one because I have stopped dating and two trying to live in the moment and stop worrying about the future.  So this has lead me to change my focus of my blog more on my journey of life even though some parts are dysfunctional and other parts pure humorous.

Holidays are my favorite time of year, christmas lights, cold weather, food, family time and little unforgettable moments.  However, when your single and your family now consists of you and your parents and add career business revolves around this season, which the crazies come out it tends to be on the lonley side.  It's been 5 years since I have spent the holidays with someone I truly care for and took the time to find a gift that would create that irresistible smile.  That moment is all I wanted from Santa Claus this year and it was even delivered right to my doorstep, but communication interfered, but by the end of the year 2012 I still was blessed with a few of those moments with someone I have truly come to love.  Yes, I am still single and not dating so I know your trying to figure out how that is possible.  This is where that dysfunctional part comes into play while also the part of trying to just be happy and live in the moment.  I know there is a 50% chance in the end I could get hurt but when you find someone who is able to turn a crazy bad day into an amazing one and makes you question aspects of life through conversations then you cherish the time that has been allowed instead of worry about what the future holds.

Don't get me wrong, I want the whole romantic package with this guy but have learned that timing is not up to me so just let go and live life.

New Year.... Bring on new work challenges, new moments and new life challenges