Since I can remember as a kid I was raised with a pathological liar.... My mom.  She would always exaggerate situations or make conversations events up.  The sad thing she has no clue that she does this even until this day.  As I grew up its what caused my moms and I relationship to be beyond unhealthy.  It built so much anger in me as well As lack of trust for her.  The sader thing is that my brother followed her foot steps while he was in high school and pretty much would lie about everything.  My brother was my best friend but all those lies tore my family part and is still torn until this day.  I have given up on my mom as far as trying to get her to realize she does it and have learned to love her for her, but my brother is a whole other story.  However, this is we're my trust issues in relationships comes from and have realized today how much it has screwed me up.

John... The guy that seemed to good to be true and for the first time in a while I felt a walls down connection and I have been still dating up until today.  It's been four months, but a conversation we had last week left me doubting some things about him no top of him stating he travels each week almost.  My big hang up was me having this gut feeling that he is married so I started doing some research online and of course came across some pictures so I just flat out asked him in person this past Sunday, which he denied so I went into detail what lying does to me.  I then said married men who cheat are cowards and he responded so quick with men who cheat are not happy, which left me still with doubts.  Tshirt morning I couldn't shake Sundays conversation so I did some more digging because I still didn't have 100% proff until today when I came across another pic and called him out with the pictures and the only thing he was worried about was where did I get the pictures.  Yep you guessed it he still never admitted but did a great job of making me feel like I was the one in the wrong.

No woman deserves to be cheated on as well as the person he cheats on with.  Tonight I am sicken to my stomach and officially done with online dating, which scares the shit out of me because I have no faith right now in my future for that one relationship I want so bad, that trust and that connection.  Also, feeling like everything is wrong with me and don't get why the past 5 years not one man has wanted to be with me and just me.  Yes, I am not perfect and have some crazy moments but I have so much to offer and have put a lot of me into some guys and not one has wanted to put themself into me.

Broken

Turned 33 today and so grateful for everything I have in life....supportive parents, great friends , career i adore and my own home I adore.  However, realizing how broken I am on one level and when the people in your life have no idea what your going though or how you are feeling it breaks a person.  People can give advice and I am grateful for that advice, but it doesn't change how I feel inside.

It's been over 5 years and in those 5 years I have truly wanted to be with two men and both did not want that back, but sure as heck still wanted sex.  I know deep down how fucking amazing I am in every way, but when you give and open up your world to someone and they reject it you question every inch of you as an individual.  Dating in your 30s, is not fun and for a woman who does not trust  explains why I am so tied to my career.  My career is beyond important but the most important job I want in life is to be a wife and an amazing mother. Out of all my friends...one truly understands what I am going through because she did get married in her 30s and had her little girl at 34.  Thankful for the time I got with her today because she gives me so much hope!

I will admit I still go back on a regular basis to someone in my life because through everything I still trust him and I know he cares.  Judge me all you want because I know I would but once you can understand what I struggle with on a daily basis and how broken I am then just be there to listen.

I am officially a broken woman who just wants to feel the breath on my neck of the man I love, his touch when we are holding hands, my child growing inside of me and my husbands warm hands feeling that big belly.

Perfect Man For Me

The first relationship we our witnessed too is our parents, which can help or hurt.  Personally for me it did both.  Growing up my parents did not have a healthy loving relationship.  I remember a lot of yelling and verbal abuse occurring on both ends and even things thrown.  I would run to my brothers room and he did what any big brother would do and that was distract me laughter.  I knew as a kid that what my parents had was not what I was gonna want for my relationship as an adult.  The one positive thing I learned from my parents though is no matter how rough things get you just don't walk away from each other or give up.  They have been married now for 37 years and love each more now than when I was a child.

I have been blessed in life to be witness to some amazing relationships as well that have really molded to me to know who the perfect man is to me.  I was around one of those couples most of yesterday which got me thinking after she said something to him so this is my perfect male for me....

Family is important, loves this career/job, always setting new goals to conquer and challenges himself everyday, laid back, knows how to laugh at himself, supportive in all things I do, takes care of his body and encourages me to do the same, appreciates a career woman and isn't intimidated by me, wants children, makes me laugh, volunteers and wants to make a difference especially in kids lives, can cook and does so ever so often, looks at me and just knows I needs a hug, always kisses me goodnight, sleeps in with me, stays in bed all day with me ever so often , loves sports especially football, drives me crazy just by the tip of his finger tips, loves traveling, kinky in the bedroom, patient especially with,  wants kids, creates a supportive home with me for our kids, feels blessed to wake up every morning to someone who sees the world similar as I do, understands a single flower speaks volumes over a dozen if its the right one, is always brutally honest with me, doesn't put up walls when exposing emotions and feelings, says what he is thinking, does anything and everything to be with me, is proud to call me his amd loves showing me off to bis friends The list goes on but
you get it....