Broken

Turned 33 today and so grateful for everything I have in life....supportive parents, great friends , career i adore and my own home I adore.  However, realizing how broken I am on one level and when the people in your life have no idea what your going though or how you are feeling it breaks a person.  People can give advice and I am grateful for that advice, but it doesn't change how I feel inside.

It's been over 5 years and in those 5 years I have truly wanted to be with two men and both did not want that back, but sure as heck still wanted sex.  I know deep down how fucking amazing I am in every way, but when you give and open up your world to someone and they reject it you question every inch of you as an individual.  Dating in your 30s, is not fun and for a woman who does not trust  explains why I am so tied to my career.  My career is beyond important but the most important job I want in life is to be a wife and an amazing mother. Out of all my friends...one truly understands what I am going through because she did get married in her 30s and had her little girl at 34.  Thankful for the time I got with her today because she gives me so much hope!

I will admit I still go back on a regular basis to someone in my life because through everything I still trust him and I know he cares.  Judge me all you want because I know I would but once you can understand what I struggle with on a daily basis and how broken I am then just be there to listen.

I am officially a broken woman who just wants to feel the breath on my neck of the man I love, his touch when we are holding hands, my child growing inside of me and my husbands warm hands feeling that big belly.